A Story of Festivus
Frank Costanza: "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realised there had to be another way."
Cosmo Kramer: "What happened to the doll?"
Frank Costanza: "It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born:
a Festivus for the rest of us!"
Cosmo Kramer: "That must have been some kind of doll."
Frank Costanza: "She was."
She Said, She Said
Clickity clack tic toc tack,
Sarah’s speech went away and now it’s back
She jettisoned the danswers without any trouble
Welcome Ricky and Geraldine - the ventriloquist double
And so it was, 2012, the year of doubles
Double entendres, double indemnity, double trouble and doubling down
During this years Airing of Grievances (AoG) I vocalised my deep disappointment with the lack of commitment to the feats of strength since our family began celebrating festivus in the 2005. Sarah pointed to her ‘pretend friend’ ricky and mumbled something like “that’s what she said” with an unacceptable display of teeth and a total lack of lip control given her new double act – Geraldine and Ricky. Ollie was more understanding and he agreed that his recent commitment to the feats of strength had been lacking and that he would try to show more courage and honour when we hit the mat again this year. Ollie also commented on his mother’s lack of understanding at how important it is to not bring shame to the family. I looked at him, as any good father does with a barely recognisable glint of emotion, and said in a monotone voice “that’s my boy.” Feats of strength started with quite a bang this year when Ollie threw a double serving of coconut cream cake at his mum and, like a wild man from the woods, leapt at Ricky with the force of 2 children and took him out with what looked to be a well orchestrated double suplex but turned out to be a cuggle (part hug part cuddle.) I dropped my head in despair and thought to myself - is this really all worth it. There was however, one redeeming quality to this move. Since Sarah had her hand tethered to the puppet's internal mechanisms, and Ollie had a kung fu cuggle grip on the doll, Sarah went down with the move and was immediately out of the feats. This left Ollie and I to contest the arm wrestling and a phase of Festivus which was, as per previous years, an unadulterated family embarrassment. Once again, I reminded them how each and every year their inability to improve during the feats of strength brings great shame to both themselves and our family name. I just don’t get it.
SARAH: "La Mujer Con Labios No Cerrados Y Dientes Muy Blanco"
During 2011, Sarah decided to communicate strictly through interpretive dance. In 2012 she took communication to a different level by creating a pretend friend named Ricky. She proceeded to ventriloquise her way through the year in a doubles act called – Geraldine and Ricky. Sarah was very excited with her trademark catch phrase “that’s what she said” not quite realising the existing ubiquity of this expression. Sarah insists this was an opportunity to say how she really feels via a non threatening and user friendly delivery mechanism – since when has saying how she really feels ever been a problem? I think Ricky was a direct response to Ollie’s pretend friend Scrubby Boobs. She later admitted this was in fact the case. After much prodding, she finally exclaimed “why can’t I have a pretend friend too? It’s not fair that Ollie has one and I don’t, to which I said, “I’m you’re pretend friend babe.” And like several other ill conceived comments throughout the year, that didn’t go down so well. Geraldine and Ricky didn’t make that many public appearances as Sarah spent most of the year in front of the mirror trying to conceal the teeth and not move the lips whilst repeating “that’s what she said, that’s what she said...” On the occasions that we made it to a public gathering, things did get a little awkward. A. Ricky wasn’t invited; B. Ricky wasn’t invited, and C. Ricky just wasn’t invited. This didn’t concern Geraldine and with no inner filter, a vodka tonic, and a bag full of “that’s what she saids”, we were quickly uninvited from all other social events for 2012. As you can imagine, this brought great shame to our family and was addressed during the AoG. Much like the summer of 2008, I got a case of the “I can’t be beats” and bang, Sarah catches a case of the pregnants. Australia beat NZ in the rugby on both occasions and given this association I am for once glad our win rate against the hairy-footed hobbits is so low (no offence to my kiwi mates - all 3 of you.) We have double downed with another boy due to arrive on the 29th of March - the day Sarah and I met and the day we had our first wedding. Additionally, we celebrated our 10 year anniversary this year.
OLIVER: "El Mono Hablando Apestoso"
Ollie continues to go to school this year. As they say in the biz, “monkey see monkey do” and Ollie has really taken to this concept like a fat kid to chocolate cake. Hey Ollie can you please hand me the jar of screws “sure dadda, that’s what she said." Ollie still responds positively to negative reinforcement which I hear is all the rage these days and I still respond positively to peer pressure. Ollie now believes that kids are people too and has a better grip on pronoun usage. Dogs, however, are still people. Ollie started skiing and so far this is shaping up far better than the snow-shoeing debacle of 2011. Ollie has been a source funny quotes this year, which brings great honour to our family. On the other hand he has shown an interest in going to the baseball and this brings great shame to our family. This was addressed in the AoG. Ollie turned 3 in 2012!
JULIAN: "El Chaperaun Del Fuego No Muerto"
It's not an exaggeration to say that I started and maintained 200 fires without injury to self or others. I improved the 'blue suede socks over shoes' manouevre at the Gansevoort hotel in NYC after Stevo agreed to exchange his dark black and blue socks for my mustard moustache socks so I could cover up the kung-fu karate man shoes. *
I continue to brew beer with mixed results. My Chinook hops took off this year and yielded about 4 ounces. I have decided to try skiing again and as mentioned above, am doing this with Ollie. One afternoon after a few beers I decided to 'run forest run' my way home from the bus stop. I was testing a theory that I run faster after a few beverages. Early findings support this theory.
I turned 40ish this year. Sarah threw me a 40ish birthday party and I was as surprised as I have ever been. This brought great joy and honour to our family whilst my in ability to sniff out the surprise is cause for much shame and embarrassment. I had a word to myself about this during the AoG. I’ve decided that I will be 40ish for a few more years to come. I reclaimed the World Dart’s championship crown from Davis “Double Docker” Digglesworth in an epic come from behind battle between the two heavyweights late one night on my back deck. I needed 13 bulls to Davis’ 3 and somehow found the zone and pounded him like the turkey lipped gobbler he his. During an early morning warm up darts match with JB el Bohlio and Scotti Holden, I missed doubling in on the 18s and gave the back window a much needed abstract expressionist touch up. This year also saw the innaugural launch of the "Movelmet" to which Sarah was both shocked and disgusted. Work is busy and fun. We painted murals on the walls this year.
* A Karate man bleeds on the inside
BEVERLY BEAVIS "Has Left Las Vegas":
Sadly, we decided to re-home Beverly to someone who has more room, more time, and more patience. In a lengthy and protracted “Operation Beverly Relocation” strategy, we found Beavis a place where she is much happier and has more of the things she needs. She is well loved and looked after.
OVERHEARD IN OUR HOUSEHOLD IN 2012:
“Why does Tio Davis say my willie looks like an anteater?” OCP
“It’s his way of identifying with you Ollie. His tio said that to him too” JP
“Staring is a two way street” SSP
“I don’t get it?” JP
“That’s because no-one ever stares at you” SSP
“Touché, my love touché.” JP
"Ollie, keep those hands out of that bum crack!" Jules to Ollie
"Pregnancy. So good, it'll make you cough and pee your pants at the same time" SSP
"I wish I could go and do that. Instead, I'm just going to sit here, bored and lonely, contemplating how much my boobs weigh" SSP
"What's your favourite number Ollie?" JP
"Sixteen a hundred and oney eight!"
"How many is that?" SSP
"I just told you" OCP
"Hi Scott, I would love to see your quote, you can email it to me at email@example.com that's M for Megan, W for Wench, and R for ....... Randy." SSP
"Well, that's one way to guarantee a returned phone call babe" JP
"Oh my god, what is wrong with me!" SSP
“I keep wanting to use Fibro Myalgia as a swear word” JP
“Hey my mumma, you know that if you get in the hot tub and its really hot then your willie may catch on fire" OCP
"Hey dada, I put yoghurt on my butt!” OCP
"Oh yeah Ollie, why did you do that?" JP
"So beverly would lick it" OCP
"I had an ouchie on my bum and I wanted Beverly to lick my butt, so it would feel better" OCP
"Did it work?" JP
"Yeah, it did, she licked my butt..uh huh huh" OCP
"Dadda, did you know my mumma can poop outside on the grass!" OCP
"Really ollie, how many times have you seen this happen?" JP
"About 5" OCP
“I knew it!” JP
“Mumma, I’m your friendly neighbourhood batman and I’m here to keep your dishes clean!" OCP
"Really Ollie?! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE? Can you have a chat with your dadda" SSP
"They’re not balls dadda" OCP
"What are they then?" JP
"They’re little thingies" OCP
"Oh, ok, let's wash your little thingies then" JP
“Hey mumma, why do kids have boobies?” OCP
“I've heard quite a bit of banging around going on down there. I'm not so sure Mike hasn’t’ tried to go to bed and failed” SSP
“Mumma when my baby brother comes out and your boobs get smaller you can come in the hot tub right?” OCP
"Look mumma, dadda has an owie on his bum crack!
That's funny, where did you get your bum owies dadda?” OCP
“I got them from racing cars on a bumpy road” JP
“Really dadda?” OCP
“I realise it sounds unbelievable, but it is in fact, 100% true” JP
“Wow, that is unbelievable!” OCP
Spoon falls on ground
"Bev, no" OCP
"Ollie you better pick it up or Bev will eat it all" SSP
"But but each time I go down there Bev licks my bum" OCP
“Why do you want to have two boys so badly? SSP
“I don't. That was your idea.” JP
“But why two boys instead of two girls?” SSP
“You know, you've been there. I'll be more tired and less patient and two girls will just do my head in.” JP
“Or is it that you don’t’ want teenage girls in your mid seventies.” SSP
“Ha. Eff you grannie.” JP
“You know that song: when the bow breaks the La la la laaaa. How does that go again? SSP
“You mean Rock-a-bye Baby?” JP
”Yeah, that’s it” SSP
“Wow, you really missed a lot growing up” JP
"Listen up everybody, there's a new president coming to town!"
It's not Obama and its not Mit Romney’s, iiiiits Vacuum Cleaner Maaan, and he comes in a package!" OCP
“He comes in a pakage? What does that mean Ollie?” JP
“Everything comes in a package Dada, haven’t you seen all the boxes in our recycle bin?” OCP
“Have I indeed…It gives me heart palpitations!” JP
“What did you like about baby finn? JP
“I liked his ingredients.” OCP
“What do you mean by that?” JP
“I liked the ingredients in his mind.” OCP
“Mumma and Dadda, are you going on a date tonight? OCP
“Are you going to the bar again?” OCP
“Is my baby brother going to come out at the bar? OCP
“That would be unfair if he could go to the bar and I couldn’t come with you!” OCP
“My Bopa (grandpa) has an invisible glow in the dark pirate tattoo on his butt! “ OCP
“Bev, why did you chew up my mummas mouthguard?” Under breath: “fuckin’ Bev” OCP
“"Why are you not having wine mumma?" OCP
“He went to shake my hand and I snatched the sweaty towel out of his hand” SSP
“Who's hand babe?” JP
“Johnny Gill!” SSP
“Johnny Gill, who is Johnny Gill?” JP
“He's one of Bobby Brown's band mates from New Edition” SSP
“Oh, reaaaally” JP
“Yeah Johnny Gill multi Grammy award winning artist sans one towel” SSP
“He may have awards but he's down a towel” SSP
“Mumma, how long is the antenna cord when the baby comes out?” OCP
“There's a big exciting coming up...theres going to be snow in selattle...snow and vegemite in one day! Wioooooo OCP
"I having trouble keeping the Festivus song selection to 72 mins."
"Do you reckon anyone still burns CDs? " JMP
No babe, wake yourself up and join the Age of the Interwebs!" SSP
"Point taken....and so it shall be...."
Below are 2 downloadable music files. One is a mixe tape of songs that we have enjoyed during the year, the other is an ode to summer during the winter made late one wintry night in the summer. You will notice several flaws in the mixed set which brings great shame to our family.
So as we move into a new season, a new year, and a new Festivus, we hope you are well, happy, and healthy, and that our paths cross sooner rather than later. Be good to yourselves in any way you see fit.
Seattle lovin’s from Sarah, Jules, & Ollie
(Comma count = 47)
(Run-on sentences = 12)
(Total grammatical errors = 34)
Festivus 2012 Summery Beats (DOWNLOAD - Right Click Save Link As)
Festivus 2012 Mixed Tape (DOWNLOAD - Right Click Save Link As)
Beautiful (MDB & Alt F4 Vocal Ambient Rework Mix): Orkedea
Myth: Beach House
Amor Fati: Washed Out
Fences (Def Starr Remix): Phoenix
Wolf: First Aid Kit
The Princess: Parov Stelar
Lower The Heavens: The Donkeys
Feels Like We're Going Backwards: Tame Impala
Caress Your Soul: Sticky Fingers
Thrift Shop: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
Down The Road: C2C
Finally Moving: Pretty Lights
Good Thymes (OPIUO Remix): Ray Charles
International Track: Drop Out City Rockers
Dream In The Desert (Flight Facilities Red Tailed Hawk Remix): The Lowbrows
Catgroove: Parov Stelar
What You Know (LightsoverLA remix): Two Door Cinema Club
Alley Cat: Volta Bureau
Got To Have (Flight Facilities Remix): James Curd
Time (We Are Happy Plants remix): Hans Zimmer